I was recently invited to speak as part of a panel on what it’s like to be a carer and what has helped me. The panel consisted of a range of carers – some were caring for elderly or dying parents or relatives, some for adult children with additional needs and some for a young family. All the while pursuing their career.
It was surprising just how many parallels there were – irrespective of the field of work we were in, company we were part of, our level of seniority or the circumstances we were dealing with.
So many of us talked about ‘wanting to have it all’: being a good and present parent, who is able to not only meet the day to day needs of your children (or those you are caring for), but is also able to hold big feelings, talk through tricky issues they are facing, spend quality time with them and keep on top of all the added extras… PE days, school plays, dentist and doctor check-ups, vaccinations, pets, uniforms, forest school days, day trips, school lunches, forms, cardboard boxes appeals for art projects, homework, reading logs, tricky mornings, juggling pick up, sick children, playdates, extracurricular sports, etc etc – I am sure you can relate! 😉
So, what has helped me?
Having a team and senior manager who truly understands what it’s like to have a young family. Being open about some of the challenges I face on the days that are particularly tricky, has helped me juggle my workload better and make time for my children and my work. I realise that in some industries this is not always possible – but even when I used to work for a major Consultancy, I remember some of the best Senior managers leading by example and ensuring they were open about their desire to attend their child’s ballet performance and planning their meetings and workload around this.
In a similar vein the next thing that’s really helped me is being really clear about my commitments. I have an open calendar and I will do my best to block out time in advance to indicate when I’ll be on the school run. Colleagues generally are happy to have a call outside of these times.
I’ve also made the most of the support that is available to me – I used to hesitate putting my children in after school club, but once they’d been once, they loved it, so now it’s become something they look forward to and it’s a real help for me.
When the kids get back from school, I try to put away all work and focus just on them – even if I go back to work when they are in bed (which is rare luckily), I do my best to give them my full attention when they are home.
I also try to say ‘no’ more – a real learning curve for me (as those of you who know me will testify!). I try to remember that saying ‘yes’ to things always means saying ‘no’ to something else – as there is limited time in every day. So, I try to be more conscious about what I say ‘yes’ to – are those the activities and things I really want to spend my time on, especially with the kids? If they are not, I should not be doing them. Related to this – accepting that some things just won’t get done that day, and that’s ok! 😊
Finally, a reframe that my mentor offered me the other day, that has helped me hugely is, rather than thinking: ‘I want it all (but feel like I can’t have it all)’ to reframe it as ‘I can’t have it all at once, and that’s ok. It’s ok to prioritise certain things now (in my case wanting to be there for the children) and come back to the other things (like accelerating my career) at a later date. There is time and space for it all (just not all at the same time!)
A second theme that resonated with all of the carers on the panel was working out who we are – once the kids are grown or the parents are not in need of care anymore. What is left of us and the desires/ dreams we have that we want to fulfil?
I felt this particularly every time I came back to work after maternity leave – there was a clear period of trying to re-define myself and figure out my priorities. A big part of this was also about (re-)building my belief in my own abilities and gaining confidence in myself again (imposter syndrome anyone!?). And realising that filling my own cup – recognising my needs and fulfilling them as part of this process – is a necessity, not a ‘nice to have’. Only when I am in a good place myself, am I able to operate from a place of love, respect and genuine interest in others.
What has helped me?
One of the biggest things that has helped me, is making time to exercise – whether this is a regular gym session, a swim or a walk in Nature. The endorphins that are released counter balance all the stress hormones and doing something different takes my mind off all the things that need to be done, or are stressing me out. It’s magic! Admittedly, often getting myself to get up and do the exercise is the hardest part, but when I do it’s so, so good for me! And as a result good for the whole of the family too – as I am able to stay in my good place, help calm things down, see things from their perspective and challenge from a place of reason rather than a place of stress.
Another thing that has helped is to journal and to challenge myself to think outside the box. At any ‘cross roads’ I will often sit and ask myself coaching questions to work through what really matters to me (I love the Wheel of Life) and reflect on how far I’ve come and what I want to do next.
Finally – making the most of flexible working hours has transformed my life – at the moment, when the kids are small and need more support, I am happy to do a compressed working week – or drop down to 4 days a week, but distribute my hours across 5 days, to be able to work more flexibly around school hours. If your organisation offers this, I highly recommend it. Often, you can reduce only a few hours (so your financial impact is lessoned) but it will make a big difference on your guilt factor!
The third theme that seemed to come up for all the different carers, was finding time for their own marriage or relationship. This resonated with me too, as my husband and I have often found ourselves so busy with the children’s activities, the housework, cooking, shopping, socialising and work, that at the end of the day, we collapse into bed rather than cooking or spending time together. And when we fail to connect with each other for too long, we end up not being on the same page, miscommunicating and disagreeing on even little things. And that, is a stressor for the whole family – and not worth it!
So, what has helped me:
I was listening to a podcast the other day and the speaker reminded me of how we give our best hours to virtual strangers at work every day – we are kind, respectful and helpful – and then when we come home at night we often expect our partners to ‘hold’ all the frustrations we’ve encountered during the day. Instead – especially when you and your partner are both working from home (or your offices are close to each other maybe) – why not go for a weekly ‘lunch date’ with each other? It’s been something my husband and I often enjoy now – when we are both working from home, we make a point of going out for a quick walk together to grab a sandwich, or we have some soup together at home and catch up.
We have also worked on setting boundaries when we try to ‘dump’ all our negative feelings on each other after a hard day. Sometimes, I (or my husband) simply don’t have the capacity (or desire) to hold the other person’s frustrations. So rather than feeling like we have to, we give each other permission to say: ‘I can’t deal with your negativity right now, can we talk about it later’ or ‘It feels like you are spiralling and everything is negative – go for a run and when you come back, we can talk. Right now, I don’t think anything I say will help.’
The final thing that was shared during the panel session, that I love – and that I know you’ve heard me talk about before, is the concept of ‘Tigertime’ – having dedicated time with each family member (15 minutes will work wonders) to give them your undivided attention. Each of my children love this, and it works for my husband and I too – when I need some quiet time to journal, I will ask for ‘Tigertime’ for myself, or when my husband and I want to have a special meal at home and the kids aren’t quite asleep yet, we’ll tell them this is our ‘Tigertime’. Now that they understand the concept (and benefit from it themselves regularly), they are very happy to respect that quality time for themselves and others.
How about you? What things do you do as a carer that helps you throughout the day? I’d love to hear from you.
Anika x
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