Do you do New Year's resolutions? I used to do this religiously every year, only to
find that by the time I got to mid-January I’ve ‘fallen off the band wagon’. Did you
know there is actually a day that statistically most people stop their New Year’s
resolutions by? It’s surprisingly early in the year – on the 19 th January!
Instead, I’m trying something slightly different this year. It’s based on ideas from a
book I read recently, called Be seen by Jen Gottlieb. Instead of creating New Year’s
resolutions, she decides on a word to live by for the year – this is often something
that she either wants to create more of in her life, or something she wants to learn or
focus on.
For 2025 my word is going to be ‘Boundaries’. For those of you who know me, this is
something that I have struggled with over the years. It’s something that I want to get
better at, because it has a knock-on effect on so many aspects of my life.
1) I am going to say ‘yes’ more consciously and recognise that every time I say
yes to something I am also saying ‘no’ to something else, as there are only so
many hours in the day. Becoming more selective about all my commitments
(and by extension the commitments the kids have) – I am hoping that our lives
will slow down that little bit and we’ll be able to all be more ‘in the moment’,
giving those things that we have decided to do our 100% attention, rather than
constantly rushing from one thing to another
2) I am going to recognise my limits better – and allow myself to ask for help
when I need it. And this means being able to recognise when I am getting
overwhelmed and taking some ‘time out’. A friend of mine recently described
how this works for her. She was talking about coming home from a morning
out with her children and walking into a house full of jobs – piles of laundry,
bags to unpack, cooking to do, toys to tidy and a work project to finish. Her
kids wanted her attention, asking to play and get involved in some crafting,
and she noticed how she was starting to snap at them, as all she could see
was the never-ending list of things to do. She decided that trying to do
everything would only mean her getting more and more stressed by the
situation – a lose/ lose for everyone. So instead, she consciously set some
time for the children to watch TV for 45 minutes while she got on with her
jobs. The kids ended up not watching anything, playing instead with the TV on
in the background on mute, and she got to do everything she needed to and
then return her full attention to her children. As it was a conscious decision,
she didn’t feel guilty about it and because she was able to realise her limit and
boundary, the situation became a win/ win for all of them. I love this story, as I
have often failed to see my own limits and end up getting overwhelmed, snapping
at those around me, and feeling guilty, rather than making a clear choice.
3) Another way I am going to practically set boundaries is when those around
me end up trying to ‘dump’ all their negative feelings on me – sometimes I
have the bandwidth to be a sounding board and listen and help them through
it. And sometimes, I’ve realised, I do not. And it is ok for me to admit that and
say to them: ‘wow, you are in a tricky place right now, I can’t help you at the
moment, I’m sorry.’ Or, when they are in a negative spiral to suggest they go
for a run or to the gym to help boost their endorphins, take their mind off the
issue and help them come at it from a fresh perspective. I realise sometimes
there are times when you do need to stop and help those around you – and
that’s fine, but I know from my own experience that I often feel obliged to
always put the other person’s needs first and listen, even when I can’t deal
with it. And when I do that, it actually makes the situation worse, as I can’t
listen from a good place myself, defeating the point. Similarly, when I feel
myself spiralling and stuck in a rut, I am giving myself (and those around me)
permission to tell me – you need to go for a run/ a sleep/ take yourself off for a
time out!
4) For me, boundaries are also about allowing myself to put myself first at times
and proactively go and do something nice for myself. There is something
about learning to move out of the ‘people pleaser’ default that I often operate
from and replace my inner programming of ‘to be ok here, you need to please
others’, to ‘it’s ok to please myself’. I’ve revisited Eric Berne’s ‘I’m ok – You’re
ok’ model for work, and this has resonated with me (as it always does). It’s so
powerful to notice when those around you are not operating from their ‘OK’
place and instead are reacting as their ‘inner child’ or ‘inner parent’ – by
(doing an adult equivalent of) whining, feeling they are not good enough,
needing to put others down or manipulating and trying to instil guilt when they
don’t get what hey want. And I know that when I operate from this place, I am
also reacting out of fear or anxiety, rather than a place of love and sense of
self. When I am in that place, no amount of help or guidance will help, until I
step out of my ‘inner child’ or ‘inner adult’ – so the response can only be: ‘You
are acting from a place of fear/ anxiousness right now, give yourself a break
(and go to the gym/ for a sleep etc). If you want to learn more about the I’m
ok/ You’re ok model and the ‘inner child/ parent/ adult’, you can find the book
here. (and there are also lots of great resources)
5) Finally, rather than getting too hooked on the concept of ‘falling off the
bandwagon’, this year, I am going to realise that any new thing is hard to learn
(especially when you are talking about breaking generational cycles!) – and
therefore, every time I DO make some progress and set my boundaries better,
I’ll see it as a deposit in my bank of confidence in myself. And the more I do
that, I know the more my confidence in myself will grow. Equally, I know there
will be times when I won’t be able to set my boundaries well and that is ok too
– learning takes time and it’s never done or perfect!
My children are now at an age where they are more able to understand the concept
of boundaries and ‘Mummy needing a break’ – so I appreciate that if your children
are really small, a lot of this may be trickier, as a baby’s needs are often instant and
urgent. I think there is still something about building in advance quality time for
yourself, while the children are in nursery or pre-school, or visiting nanny or
grampa… and prioritising going to the gym yourself, or having a nap or a cuppa with
a friend rather than doing the washing. What ever works for you and helps you fill
your own cup. As I’ve learnt, meeting your own needs, is a necessity, not a ‘nice to
have’ – for you and your children! It not only sets a really good example for them,
that it’s ok for them to put their needs first and times (rather than feel they need to
people please!) – it’s also a way to show that you deserve the respect and self-love
that you give those around you.
Sending you lots of love for 2025!
Comments